Trump to Try Liar’s Paradox at Final Debate

On By Swarn GillIn Humor, Politics
Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway

New York, NY – After another uninspiring, if not disastrous debate, Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyann Conway announced that the presidential hopeful will be taking a different tack.  “There are still many undecided voters,” said a serious Conway, “and it is our belief that anyone who is still confused right now, will respond well to campaigning on a platform of confusion.  This plan has also been developed based on feedback from a focus group reaction to Trump’s answer about dealing with Russia in Sunday evening’s town hall debate when he said “But Syria is no longer Syria. Syria is Russia and it’s Iran, who she made strong and Kerry and Obama made into a very powerful nation and a very rich nation, very, very quickly, very, very quickly”  “This unique mixture of bad grammar,” said Conway, “confusing references, and ambiguous language struck a chord with many of the undecided voters in the focus group.”   We talked to one of the focus group members Shirley Francis of Little Rock, AR. “I really didn’t quite catch what his plan was, but he seemed to know a lot about it.” A puzzled Francis paused to consider her next statement. ”There were a lot of words thrown out there, very quickly, and it sounds like a really complex situation that I can’t hope to understand.  But I believe that he does.”

We asked Conway if she could reveal anything about this new strategy.  “Well I don’t want to give too much away, but I don’t think it will really hurt if I tell you.” An excited Conway continued, “Fact checking shows that pretty much everything Donald Trump says is a lie, and we want to capitalize on this, along with that confusion factor I touched on earlier.  We believe we can gain votes by using an Epimenides Paradox or what’s more commonly known as the Liar’s Paradox.”  To this reporter’s knowledge, it is the first time a self-referencing logical paradox has ever been used as an election strategy but Conway seemed convinced that a generous usage of the paradox in the final debate could easily win Trump 2 to 3 key swing states. “Our research shows,” claimed a confident Conway, “that voters in swing states take pride in their state being of national importance during elections and against all odds almost prefer to remain stubbornly undecided.  We feel that by trapping their mind in a perpetual state of logical contradiction that they will be unable to reason why they should vote for anyone else except for someone who himself is a paragon of confusion and logical contradiction.”  When asked how specifically she will employ this strategy at the final debate Conway responded, “Donald Trump, before every response will simply say, ‘Everything I say is a lie…’ and then continue with what he planned to say. Even those who think he lies a lot will be forced to think that he must tell the truth some time, because if that statement is true that he can’t always be lying. Of course,” Conway conceded, “that statement can’t be the truth either. As they try to make sense of Trump’s responses while pondering the paradox, they will be in a constant state of confusion and should at the very least not vote for Hillary, and we feel will likely vote for The Donald.”

It remains to be seen how this strategy plays out on October 19th, but at this point any strategy is fair game as the presidential hopeful continues to slip in the polls.  “The Trump team just wants the undecided voters to know that we think they are the backbone of America,” said a warm and smiling Conway, “and just because they are completely directionless, they can still help move our country in the right direction.  Also, we want them to know we’ll be putting up a website that will give them easy directions to their nearest polling place, because we don’t want them to get lost.”

34 thoughts on “Trump to Try Liar’s Paradox at Final Debate”

  3. It’s very low-risk, but it’s always worth playing around with the names when satirising. For example, Private Eye publication here in England used to satirise a renowned libel lawyer called Peter Carter-Ruck, but called him Peter Farter-Fuck. Just generally, these very wealthy public figures like Trump employ teams of lawyers full-time so it costs them nothing over and above to be spewing out writs, even to the little people, every day. I just heard that the president of MGM is currently sitting on stuff that he daren’t put out – the reason is obvious. When I was in business I knew one such personally, and to this day he’s still doing precisely that. Anyway, your call. 🙂

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    2. I have apparently annoyed an evangelical “comedian” so much recently that he’s created a character, John Blande. As far as I undersatnd, this Blande chap (who, no doubt, is somewhat horrible) has made it into his stage act.

      I’m so proud! 🙂

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  4. Second Pulitzer!

    I have to say, listening to Trump I’m left just baffled at his fundamental inability to structure a coherent sentence.

    I was, however, fond of his (to paraphrase): “It was locker room talk, ISIS, they’re everywhere…”

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  5. Swarn, your post, though intended to be satire, was pretty spot on, IMO. She knows her audience. She knows the language. This is from the bible:

    “For there are many rebellious people, full of meaningless talk and deception, especially those of the circumcision group. They must be silenced, because they are disrupting whole households by teaching things they ought not to teach—and that for the sake of dishonest gain. One of Crete’s own prophets has said it: “Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons” This saying is true. Therefore rebuke them sharply, so that they will be sound in the faith and will pay no attention to Jewish myths or to the merely human commands of those who reject the truth.

    — Titus 1:10–13

    Oh the irony.

    As an aside, this is from a Bill Maher interview with Kellyanne:

    Bill Maher: “I don’t have time to go through all of his lies, we only have an hour.”

    Kellyanne: “I actually think we’re going to win, Bill. You know what? You feel it. You’re getting nervous.”

    Bill: “Oh, I am getting nervous. Not because Trump is good, it’s because people are stupid, that’s why I’m getting nervous. I’ll tell you why I’m getting nervous and I’ll do it with a Donald Trump quote from “Art of the Deal.” He said, “I played on people’s fantasies. People want to believe that something is the biggest and the greatest and the most spectacular. I call it truthful hyperbole.

    I call it lying. (Here are some lies. (Bill goes on to list many of the blatant lies)

    Bill: “How do you answer to the fact that this man just says whatever he wants at the moment, in the moment, to get whatever point he wants across, regardless of the facts?”

    Kellyanne: “That’s not true, you’re cherry picking some of the things he said.”

    She quickly turns the table and references Hillary:

    “I’m not going to support somebody who lies for a living.”
    ———

    This whole damn election is so surreal it does come across as satire.

    Well done Swarn. Very well done.

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  6. That woman is the epitome of a shrewd lying ass (insert appropriate word here)

    Despicable as the Trump himself. A perfect fit they are.

    Well done Mr. Swarn. Well done.

    I watched the debate, if you could call it that. It was more an incoherent Trump attack than a debate. He could not stay on topic for anything, he always circled around to ISIS, Benghazi and E-mails. If I had made a drinking game just of the times Trump said disaster, I’d have been falling down drunk before halftime.

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