Wonderful thoughts

I consider my first love, a girl who did not even love my back and who didn’t know how I felt.  It’s not the same, and I’m not going to even claim that it was as intense as the first time I fell in love with someone who was in love with me, but this girl changed my life.  Before I met her, I never even dreamed someone so beautiful would talk to me, and more importantly that I would have the confidence to talk to her.  I had a lot of self-esteem issues growing up and that may surprise some who have only known me in my 30’s and it took me a long time to even have the nerve to even ask a girl out.  I didn’t do that until I was 18.  She was very kind, said she felt flattered but that she had a boyfriend.  Of course I was disappointed, but it gave me some confidence. I then went on my first date at the age of 19.  I was a mess on that date, and she didn’t want to date again, but it was another confidence builder.  Yes it took me until the age of 20 to even have the nerve to really talk to a girl I found that beautiful like a normal human being.  We became friends though, and she had a boyfriend at the time and so it was really inappropriate for me to really express my feelings anyway.  And she was extremely beautiful and I don’t regret at all that I didn’t express myself because if you can’t also be friends with someone you find attractive than you have no business getting into relationships anyway.  Because of her I gained so much belief in myself it’s hard to describe.  And she is out there with absolutely no idea what she did for me, and I will forever feel grateful to her.

Stories of my boring early love life is not the point of this post, but what is the point is that we all have these kinds of memories.

From http://the07.deviantart.net

Incidents and people that touched our lives and trajectories have moved us apart without them ever knowing how they changed us.  It doesn’t always have to be a positive experience.  It could be negative at the time, but upon reflection we learned the right lesson from it.  It could be an acquaintance sharing a tale of woe and from that we have an extra piece of knowledge that may help us avoid that situation in the future, hurling us on a different trajectory than we otherwise would have taken.  These moments can happen so briefly and the other person has no idea the changes they’ve caused in you. And who knows, some of these small moments may even plant the seeds of greater change.

As I reflect on these people and these moments it makes life feel absolutely amazing because if I’m feeling a bit down on myself, feeling a bit invisible, or feeling smaller than I like in the vast universe, I remember that I also do not know what impact I might have had on others.  Whether I have been at my best or at worst I still may have helped someone grow, change, lead a better life.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to know, but given how people have changed me without them knowing, I don’t know need to know exactly, I can simply be confident that at least some people out there have benefitted by my existence.  I think that as long as I keep trying each day to be more than I am, then good things will always happen.  And it’s good to know that at 40, I’m still an optimist at heart. 🙂

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5 thoughts on “Wonderful thoughts

    1. Haha Ryan. Well it might be just willful ignorance, but I’d like to believe that I am not, nor am I blindly optimistic. Perhaps I am. In the words of Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption, “It all comes down to a simple choice really. Get busy living or get busy dying.” Life is short and I want to make the most of it. And without hope, there isn’t much point to it really. 🙂

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  1. Swarn,
    The sincerity and genuineness that comes reading your blog statements, most often delivers a smile. That feels good.
    This could be a long dissertation, but not this time. There is no secret, optimism is what makes me feel happy. If I feel happy around someone, what I am doing, the result is happiness, momentary or months long – just keep on the same track as it detours in and out of life’s experiences.
    Those whom I feel I am listening and being pulled into a dark bog filled with steaming stench, I find a polite way to leave.
    And then there are those who brush us slightly as they past by with a word, look or a short conversation in brilliance. Opening doors to deeper thinking, albeit the pathological or eternal optimist.
    It just feels like I am winning!!! Making the pay-it-forward more than a shimmer of hope, more with a broader smile!
    MicheleElys

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