Voice of God whispers in Adam’s ear.
“Wake up Adam, wake up. God has a surprise for you!”
Adam groggy from the divine anesthetic, “What? What’s going on?”
“Well all those animals seemed to be rather interested in their own affairs, and quite frankly, with the exception of may be the…” consults stone tablets written by Adam…”the chimpanzee and the…er…dog,” God ponders for a moment wondering what God spelled backwards is,”really didn’t seem like a great helper worthy of the impeccable qualities imparted to you by your creator.” God gives an imaginary tip of the hat, “So here you are….yooooooouuuur helper!!!” God had a little light shine down from above in a rather showmanshippy sort of way.
Adam is a bit stunned, and upon seeing the first naked person of the opposite sex, he learns a little bit about a previous dangly body part. Fortunately, shame hasn’t entered into the picture.
“Name her Adam, name her as you did the animals!”
The newly created being seems to demonstrate a mixture of frustration, and fear.
“Um…okay…but er, can you tell me why my abdomen is hurting?”
“Oh that’s just a little leftover pain from the rib I took out of you. Let me take care of that.” God sends a warm glow of light towards Adam and after it passes into his abdomen, the pain is gone. “Do you like that effect? I’m working on how best to impress people with my awesome powers.”
“Yeah. Impressive. Listen before I name this helper over here.” Points to helper, helper has an I’ll give you a piece of my mind look, “I’m a bit concerned that you’re taking body parts of mine to make new people. Why didn’t you just create this person from the dirt like me?”
“Symbolism!”
“What? What does that mean?!”
“I want you two to have a special connection. A piece of you, to make her.”
“But why a rib?”
“Because you have lots! Well 12 pairs. It varies a bit.”
“But I think I’m having trouble breathing. You might have nicked my diaphragm”
“Nope you’re fine.”
“How many more people are you going to make like this? I assume all my parts aren’t expendable.”
“Nope this is the only one I’m making from a body part. She’s special. I wanted her to share your genetic code. Symbolism!!”
“Yes, well I still don’t quite get that. So anyway, how are we going to make more people?”
“You are going to love it, and so is she! You see that bit down there that stood at attention like a worshipper obeying his Lord God? Well you are going to put that thing inside of her?”
God points to the nether regions of the newly created being and a little light begins to glow like a little star. The new being looks a bit stunned and frightened.
“Is there some sort of hole there? I don’t really see anything.”
“Of course there is…it’s um…well…don’t worry, when the time comes you’ll figure it out. Insert tab A into slot B. Pretty straightforward.”
“And that act just makes more people like us? Do they pop out from behind bushes or something?”
“No no, it’s much more fascinating than that. See you have this fluid inside of you and when you put your bit there, into her bit there,” more starlight twinkling on the requisite body parts, “it’s going to feel great. Then you are going to reach this amazing moment, say my name a lot, and in the height of ecstasy expel this fluid into her. There are these little swimming things in your fluid you see, and they are going swim and find this egg in her, fertilize it, and about 9 lunar months later, you are going to have this tiny baby pop out.”
Newly created being looks horrified.
“Does she also reach the height of ecstasy at the same time, because that would be pretty awesome?!”
“Um…well no. I mean she could, but really she’s quite complicated, and you know as long as your…er…fluid gets in there. You get to have a baby! Or well she does technically.”
And so what is this baby thing?”
“Well it’s like you, but at a very early stage of development, so it has to learn and grow up into you…or…er…her over there.”
“So does this baby talk or anything?”
“Not at first. It learns to talk!” Good looks quite impressed with himself.
“Okay, but it’s able to like go around the garden and feed itself though right?”
“Well no. It can’t really walk at first. Or grasp anything. Can’t really see more than 3 inches in front of its face, and it will take a good month or two before its eyes can follow objects around. Oh also it can’t chew, owing to not having any teeth. It will be quite a few years before it can really fend for itself reliably.”
“That’s horrible! Well what I’m supposed do with it?! How do I feed it!?”
“Well see those two lumpy bits on her chest?” God makes her nipples begin to twinkle.
“Yeah I quite like those.” Adam gives the newly created being a toothy grin.
“Well when the baby is born, they produce milk and she just gets the baby to latch on to the nipples and, pardon the expression, those babies can suck like a demon.”
Both Adam and the newly created being look at the breasts with a completely disgusted look on their face.
“Oh stop it you two…it’s a beautiful experience, just you wait.”
“Alright, so what we can make a baby any time I put my thing into her?”
“Um…sure. Don’t worry about the details yet.”
“And so this thing, it like grows in some sort of a pouch or something?”
“Yeah…I guess. Sort of.” God points to the abdomen of the newly created being and makes an nice red glowy area. “You see it’s going to grow right around here and her belly is going to get bigger and bigger. Inside her is something called a womb, where the baby develops.”
“And so it grows until what? It just sort pops out of her?”
“Nope…it just sluices out her, easy-peasy. In the same place where you put your thing in to make it. That’s efficiency!”
“So 9 months of gestation and several years of basic doing every little thing for this thing is more efficient than just popping new people out of the dirt?”
“Adam! It’s a miracle!”, rebukes God.
“Sorry Father. Okay, well…this all sounds like a lot of responsibility. Maybe we should get to know each other a bit better first.”
“Alright, alright, well listen, you need to name her.”
“Hmmm…well she’s made from me, and I’m a man. But she’s got a womb. So wombman? No, I don’t really like the phonetics there. How about woman?”
God rolls his eyes, “That’s the type of naming creativity usually attributed to me. Okay, well I guess let’s go with it. But I still think you are missing out on the whole symbolism part here, but in any case, now that you have woman, you may leave your father and unite with her as one. That’s what I was getting at here. Wish you were a little brighter, but I guess subtlety is learned.”
“Okay, well this all great Father, but does she talk, she really hasn’t said anything thus far.”
“Well I created her to be a helper, I didn’t think she needed to talk. She just needs to do what you tell her to.”
Woman looks back at God incredulous.
“Don’t get me wrong Father, I appreciate the thought, but you’ve given me the ability to choose, I think she should have it too.”
“Are you sure? Because you know life is pretty confusing as it is?”
“I’m sure Father, and give her a voice too.”
“Okay, but listen as soon as I give her free will and a voice, I’m going to hit the road. I know anger. I’ve been in some pretty good rages myself, and she looks like she’s about to burst. I prefer to think of this garden as a peaceful place, so I’m going to shape some glaciers or something. I’ll check back with you later.”
God creates a little ball of light that travels quickly towards woman and as soon as it hits her it envelops her body. Then with fire in her eyes she looks at Adam and then over to God and starts walking over to God.
“Explain the rules to her Adam. Byeeeee!” and quickly vanishes.
Woman has arrived.
Omaha, Nebraska – Area man Derek Sonnerson expressed his deep disappointment in the locker room talk at the local LA Fitness that he had been a member of for 5 months. “I find myself in a position of needing to join a new gym because my current locker room talk doesn’t live up to the high standards of misogyny and descriptions of sexual assault I had been led to believe happened in this environment.” Sonnerson who pretty much just wanders around the machines to stare at the females working out, and then heads back to shower to talk about them as objects has found the opportunities for guy talk severely lacking. “You know, I stuck it out at this gym for several months, come at different times of the day, but can’t really seem to strike up a conversation with anyone about my creepy sexual exploits.” A dejected Sonnerson said reactions have ranged from disinterest to disgust. “Most of the time guys are just talking about their kids, sports, or politics. It’s really disheartening. One time I came in and these two college students were talking about some hot girl one of them was going to ask out to the movies and I said something like, ‘are you going to wait until the lights are low in the theater before you grab her pussy?’ They just told me to fuck off and called me a loser.”
