Twas the night before Christmas, and Facebook was quiet,
No winter weather whines or Phil Robertson riot,
I examined a link, posted without care,
Of the 20 hottest celebrities without any hair.
As I pondered on my next riveting status,
I heard a faint tapping at my window lattice,
I should have got up, for I was no craven,
But I was distracted by a meme of Poe and The Raven,
Then out on the lawn there arose a loud clatter,
So I quickly checked Twitter to see what’s the matter,
No tweets about accidents or troublesome boys,
I even searched for the hashtag, #whatsthatnoise
Then back to my news feed, but still hearing the scuffle,
Couldn’t think of a status with this annoying kerfuffle,
What’s all this jingling, hooves clomping on wood,
Perhaps a little snapchat would do me some good.
From somewhere above a voice so merry and thick,
I wondered if this could be the fabled St. Nick,
If it is I should make this my status forthwith!
But according to Snopes it’s just urban myth
So I went back to scrolling through pop culture ga-ga,
And turning down invites to play Candy Crush Saga,
Then a rustle coming from the chimney behind me,
Oh…party tomorrow, thank God Facebook reminds me
So I clicked yes to join and asked what can I bring,
Then watched a you tube video of bad carolers sing,
I coughed as I waved away all the soot in the air.
While enjoying a clip of Mr. Stephen Colbert.
Was that heavy boots stomping over to the tree,
I probably should get up and have a look see,
But this post about Lymphoma, a disease we must beat,
Says I must love cancer if I don’t repost this toute de suite.
It must be my wife carrying some neatly wrapped boxes,
Hey there’s that video about the sound made by foxes,
I can’t get enough of hearing them yelp,
I’m sure my honey will tell me if she needs any help.
Then a whole bunch of statuses appeared in a flurry,
Santa has been sighted! To your window! Please hurry!
I laughed and I scoffed and replied “No thank you, I’ll pass”
And browsed some pictures of Kim Kardashian’s ass.
But Facebook friends rebuked and begged me to look,
But I had no interest in a fat clumsy crook,
Locations of the statuses were all in my town,
But Santa’s not real can we all please calm down?
I decided to end this hysteric aberration,
And get the final truth from the folks at Fox Nation,
You see Santa’s a commie or a socialist at best,
Giving handouts to children at Obama’s behest
As I started a feud between the left and the right,
There was a crack of a whip that gave me a fright,
So I decided to get up and saw tracks of a sleigh,
I guess Facebook was right, it HAD snowed today.
Then it struck what status that I knew I must type,
Before talking to family in the morning on Skype,
The Christmas spirit filled me with joy and delight
“Merry Christmas to all!” Would you all please click Like?