Twas the night before Christmas, and Facebook was quiet,
No weather whines or “election was rigged” riot,
I examined a link, posted without care,
Of the 20 hottest celebrities without any hair.
As I pondered on my next riveting status,
I heard a faint tapping at my window lattice,
I should have got up, for I was no craven,
But was distracted by a meme of Poe and The Raven,
Then out on the lawn there arose a loud clatter,
So I quickly checked Twitter to see what’s the matter,
No tweets about accidents or troublesome boys,
I even searched for the hashtag, #whatsthatnoise
Then back to my news feed, but still heard a scuffle,
Couldn’t write a status with this annoying kerfuffle,
What’s all this jingling, hooves clomping on wood,
Perhaps a little Snapchat would do me some good.
From somewhere above a voice so merry and thick,
I wondered if this could be the fabled St. Nick,
If it is I should make this my status forthwith!
But according to Snopes it’s just urban myth
So I went back to scrolling through pop culture ga-ga,
And turning down invites to play Candy Crush Saga,
Then a rustle coming from the chimney behind me,
Oh…party tomorrow, thank God Facebook reminds me
So I clicked yes to join and asked what can I bring?
Then watched a YouTube video, “When Bad Carolers Sing,”
I coughed as I waved away all the soot in the air
While enjoying a clip of Mr. Stephen Colbert.
Was that heavy boots stomping over to the tree,
I probably should get up and have a look-see,
But this post about Lymphoma, a disease we must beat,
Says I must love cancer if I don’t repost this toute de suite.
It must be my wife carrying some neatly wrapped boxes,
Hey there’s that video about the sound made by foxes,
I can’t get enough of hearing them yelp,
And my honey would tell me if she needs any help.
Then a whole bunch of statuses appeared in a flurry,
Santa’s been sighted! To your window! Please hurry!
I laughed and I scoffed and replied “No thank you, I’ll pass”
Then recoiled at some pictures of Donald Trump’s ass.
My Twitter followers rebuked me and begged me to look,
But hadn’t an interest in some fat clumsy crook,
Locations of the statuses, were all in my town,
But Santa’s not real can we all please calm down?
I decided to end this hysteric aberration,
And get the final truth from the folks at Fox Nation,
You see Santa’s a commie or a socialist at best,
Giving handouts to children at Biden’s behest
As I started a feud between the left and the right,
There was a crack of a whip that gave me a fright,
So I decided to get up and saw tracks of a sleigh,
I guess Twitter was right, it HAD snowed today.
Then it struck me what status I knew I must type,
Before talking to family in the morning on Skype,
The Christmas spirit filled me with joy and delight
“Merry Christmas to all!” Would you all please click Like?