Game, Set, and Match

“Nothing in the world is harder than convincing someone of an unfamiliar truth”  – said by Kvothe in A Wise Man’s Fear by Patrick Rothfuss

Every person on the planet can agree on one thing.  The world could be a better place.  For those of us who strive towards equality, wish to reduce human suffering, and care about the planet as a whole the world looks fairly messed up.  Some people  ignore the problems.  That’s a bit selfish perhaps, but the weight can be a lot to bear and we all have our limits, so who am I to judge?  Some people are definitely selfish because instead of trying to fight it they simply become part of the problem.  Trying to get a share of what they think is theirs.  If the world is going to be unfair then why not do whatever it takes to be a winner and not a loser?  In recognizing that we are a cooperative species, to me the fight to making the world more fair is always worth it even if the goal is never achieved and feels like a continual uphill battle that sometimes gets steeper and not gentler.  As a whole, we are simply better when we are working together to solve problems.  Problems do arise, even ones not of our own making.  Even ones that do arise because of our own making we can’t always blame ourselves, because hey nobody’s perfect and hindsight is 20/20 (at least we hope).

In this age of information and social media the amount of people that can be in contact with each other has expanded exponentially.  As a result we see the vast array of opinions out there.  Some people are clearly uneducated about the subject but seem very excited that they can say something and somebody will see it.  Some people make comments simply to anger people and cause an outrage or what is known as being a troll and this has been a topic of much discussion lately.  How we deal with people who make inflammatory comments or are very hostile towards the author of an article or another person commenting on a thread.  Interestingly inflammatory comments that support the view of a particular piece is not seen as negative, only the person who disagrees.  I would argue that if you read an article that say expresses a Democratic point of view and in the comments you say something like “Just another example that Republicans are pieces of shit” then you are just as bad as anybody you consider a troll in the ensuing comments.

Spurned by a few incidents in the recent past and also by this excellently written article about making better arguments in politics I wanted to express my thoughts about how we might be able to engage people we disagree with in a more meaningful way.  The quote that starts this article is something that just struck me as the wisest words ever written when I read them and speaks to why if you like to debate and engage people with different points of view, why you are rarely successful.

Picture from Amazon.com

The article that I linked in the previous paragraph talks about biases we have.  For a very comprehensive look at our biases and beliefs I also strongly recommend reading the The Believing Brain by Michael Shermer.  It’s a brilliantly constructed book and very educational.  His argument is that we believe first and rationalize later.  I think your immediate intuition sees the truth in that.  Right now you might think well that’s what the other guy does, but if you are really honest with yourself you’d realize you do it too.  It takes a lot of discipline to let your reasoning side take over, and suppress that “gut feeling” to believe what you think is right.  As a result of this tendency to believe first and then rationalize those beliefs, when absorbing a new piece of information we tend to see it in a light that supports our beliefs rather than negate them.

Another bias we have that is the main part of the article is the self-serving bias.  The idea that in order to protect our self-esteem or sense of self-worth we must reject ideas that make us feel like we are wrong about something.  As the article says is we are wrong about one thing, then what else might we be wrong about, and then how do we deal with the idea of not being as smart as we think we are?  This is why I think one of the most important human virtues we can have is humility as I wrote about in a previous blog post.  Being wrong about something is a tough thing to deal with.  What is strange to me is that I think we can all agree that we’ve experienced being wrong before.  If you reflect on your life you’ll realize you actually got through it and you are actually okay.  Nevertheless we still tend to not deal to well with it in the moment.  Just like dealing with addiction, admitting you have a problem is the first step. 🙂  In this case, don’t worry because everybody has these biases and so everybody has this problem.  So I would like to provide what I think is a helpful guide to getting people to see things from your point of view.  And if right now you are asking, “Why should I listen to this guy?”  Well because quit frankly I’m right dammit! 😉

Be the person you would like others to be

Painting by Miles Halpern

Don’t you hate it when someone is not sympathetic to you and the oppression or struggles you face?  It makes you angry, it makes you not really like that person, and it makes you frustrated.  So what should your response be?  Most people seem to respond by being equally dismissive to others and their problems.  What if, however, you tried to remain that sympathetic and compassionate person you hoped the other person would be?  What if you said “I’m sorry you can’t understand how the incident made me feel, and even though I don’t know why you can’t be sympathetic to my struggles I sincerely hope that you never have to feel the way that I do right now.”  If someone cannot demonstrate compassion for your genuine reason for being angry about something or being hurt about something, being afraid of something, or whatever is causing a negative emotion that is all the more reason to give sympathy towards them in return.  Give them an example of what sympathy and empathy is all about.  Maybe nobody has ever showed them any and so they literally don’t know it’s value or what it’s about.  Maybe they had an ultra-chauvinistic father who never allowed them to show their feelings and were always told “Buck up and be a man you pussy!”  Imagine growing up with that all your life.  How much compassion would you have as an adult?  Gandhi said “Be the change you’d like to see in the world” and so if you feel your worldview is superior in making this world a better place, make sure that you are genuinely being the type of person you would like to see in others.

Also haven’t you ever had someone in your life who you really respected because they seemed like a good person.  You admired them.  You wanted to be like them.  You are more likely to cause a change in someone’s behavior by being a positive role model rather than someone who berates them for their ideas.  Why would anyone want to be like someone who just belittles people for their beliefs even when those beliefs are misguided.  Because to the person with those beliefs…well they believe it and thus think they are not misguided.

Make sure you have a good sense of self-worth

What’s this you say?  I thought this was the problem.  The article I linked actually talks about using daily affirmations to enhance your self-worth as being important in being able to face things that you might be wrong about so that there is no net loss in self-worth.  I think the author glosses over this to almost make it seem like a trick you are using rather than genuinely building your self-worth.  If you have low self-esteem it can be hard to debate or argue with someone in a constructive manner.  Obviously if you barely value yourself, the few things that you do value about yourself, you will be even more afraid of losing.  Building a true sense of self-worth takes time and experience.  It takes an admission of your faults and the continual persistence to improve.  It takes trying not make the same mistake twice, even if it sometimes happen.  Practice humility, forgiveness, and spend time just observing and reflecting on those experiences before forming an opinion.  Then learn about how other people experience the world and try to pick out the commonalities in your experience rather than focusing on the differences.  Your self-worth will grow actually when you recognize that the world doesn’t revolve around you.  Self-worth and self-centered are completely different but often get tangled.

Make sure you respect the self-worth of others

From hellobeautiful.com

I’m not asking you to admit you’re wrong or say somebody else is right, but when you are humble and are willing to at least to consider the possibility that you might be at least partially wrong about your point of view, you will find that you move to a place of being inquisitive about where someone else’s point of view comes from.  This will lead you to ask more questions to see where that person is coming from.  It will help you get to know the person and that person now knows that you are interested in who they are, and are simply not just interested in making them feel like they are wrong.  After all who wants to listen and take seriously someone who is only interested in pointing out how right they are, and how wrong you are?  It doesn’t matter if you are actually right and that the other person is actually wrong.  People have a lot of wrong ideas not because they choose to be wrong but because they have been conditioned in their environment to see the world differently.

Recently there has been a lot of arguments in social media about racism and reverse racism.  What if someone is trying to advance the position that reverse-racism of blacks against whites is just as big of a problem as racism against black people?  You can respond angrily, dismissively, you can throw out all sorts of data and you’ll probably notice this makes no difference whatsoever.  What if instead you said “Hmmm…you know that hasn’t been my experience.  Can you tell me what makes you think that way?  Have you experienced racism as a white person?  If you have I am really sorry about that because I have personally experienced racism as well.  Maybe we could share our experiences.  Because I know how much it hurts when someone assumes something about you based on the color of your skin.”  In reality of that interaction with someone it doesn’t matter that as a whole blacks are not treated as equals and that white people do enjoy a position of privilege in society, because that person has simply been shaped by their experiences and their interpretation of those experience.  Sometimes being able to see the big picture is also a position of privilege.  It probably means you have had greater opportunities for education and slightly better income so that you have leisure time to explore a topic in more detail.  Perhaps parents who were interested in different points of view, valued diversity, etc.  Not everyone is lucky enough to have that.  Showing respect for a person and their experiences that led them to what they think is true today, is a better way to be heard by that person.  You might just tear down a few walls and find that you might not be that different at all.

Be willing to walk away

This seems pretty obvious.  A common piece of advice told by parents who want their child to not get into a physical fight.  It is true for fighting with words as well.  If you are hitting a wall with someone and trying harder each time, you will probably find that the wall is only getting thicker and harder.  You probably don’t even notice the tone of your dialogue change, but in my observation not just in other arguments I have watched, but when I’ve had a chance to look back at my own words I realized that the angrier I get, my logic gets worse and my tone becomes more inflammatory.  Being a more experienced teacher I now have more experience in just watching people who have trouble learning.  Being a good teacher is to find alternative ways in which someone can learn what you are saying and all those ways require patience and understanding.  So I think I am better at it that I was, but one can always improve.

More importantly of course getting angry, frustrated, and stressed because someone simply doesn’t “get it” is no way to live life.  It could be your inability to argue effectively, it could be your tone, and of course it could be completely and absolutely all their fault.  So what?  Maybe it is possible that they will simply never, ever agree with you so why waste your time and energy?  If you really feel convinced that you could make your argument better, then don’t keep arguing maniacally, but step away and reflect.  Pay less attention to the content of what you have said, but how you have said it.  Look less at the content of what they have said but try to pay attention to the experiences that may have led them to that line of thinking and try starting again.  The point is, if you feel yourself starting to get angry or frustrated, you should probably just stop.  Because I guarantee that you will not only not win, but you will have to deal with an emotion that can quite honestly ruin your day.

True change takes time

Photo by Alan Cleaver via flickr

Plenty of times in my life I have thought I have made no impact and sometimes weeks, months, or years later I see someone who has changed their position on something that they seemed so sure of in the past.  Most teachers will have stories of students who they couldn’t  motivate, were often at odds with, and felt sadness that they weren’t able to “reach” that student.  Only to get an e-mail a year later with an apology, or a revelation from that student, saying that they realize now how their behavior was wrong and that they appreciate you for trying to motivate them and believing in them.  Many times in the moment I have felt frustrated at being told I’m wrong about something.  I might even argue my case further even if I am out of additional legs to stand on.  Then I sit and think.  I read some more.  Realize that maybe something I read, or something somebody told me was wrong.  Or perhaps I realized that I hadn’t looked at a previous experience in the right way, and that I hadn’t perhaps learned all the lessons from it I should have.  Nowadays I try to let that person know that they were right about something and I was wrong.  In the past when my own self-esteem wasn’t strong I was often too embarrassed to admit it to that person.  That doesn’t mean that person didn’t have an effect on me.  So it may seem like wishful thinking, but don’t ever think your exchange didn’t have any value at all.  Because you never know.  It may happen years down the road, or the change may be ever so slight but because it caused someone to look in a different direction, it sets them down a path of learning they never would have gone down before without you.

——–

As a final thought I want to make it clear that I don’t pretend any of this is easy, or that I am the awesome person that I describe here.  I HATE being wrong and in my experience most other people do too.   Perhaps its because I have gotten older that the accumulation of things I have been wrong about has added up to such a proportion that it has humbled me.  I don’t know.  What we consider right and wrong however is a product of many things.  A function of space and time. Perhaps instead of thinking of yourself as being wrong about something, think of it as “Maybe I don’t know everything there is to know about something.  So maybe I’m not wrong, just not as right as I could be.” 🙂  Play nice and remember it’s a big sandbox.  There is room for a lot more people in it than you think. 🙂

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14 thoughts on “Game, Set, and Match

  1. Interesting article thank you!. Two things came strongly to mind when reading this post.

    The idea that we have access to rational, logical or critical thinking without strong bias during an interaction that raises emotions, doesn’t match with my experience. However I could just be too passionate or possibly insane. Anyway, knowing how you should respond and being able to do so authentically creates it’s own set of challenges.

    The other is “if at first you don’t succeed, try another way”. I say this in response to the idea that someone isn’t getting your point. Unconscious incompetence doesn’t imply the right to judgment on the person with less experience. With respect are words usually reserved in society to imply the complete opposite of what they mean, to truly respect someone who doesn’t understand I think you must find common ground from which the spark of interest in what you are trying to communicate can be initiated. Go to where they are and walk a few steps with them. All your extra knowledge right now is not helping the two of you communicate, in fact it is a barrier. People don’t like to feel humiliated.

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  2. JRG

    Your post reminds me of an entire field called “ways of knowing” covering women’s ways of knowing, Aboriginal ways of knowing, etc. The premise behind all of these is that there is value in the contextual knowledge of gender and culturally based experiences and wisdom. These forms of knowledge often have little to do with what we learn in formal education settings and yet have a certain place and value in society. Unless we specifically seek out other people’s ways of knowing, we usually can’t understand their context at all and have no basis for arguing with them anyway. It is not all that dissimilar to the philosopher Wittgenstein’s language games, except ways of knowing are more on a social scale than the individual scale of language games.

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  3. Interesting article, if a little long. I think the real difficulty with changing your mind about something is that we tend to internalize what we think and believe. An idea becomes an identification. It then becomes very difficult to have a discussion with someone who feels that their identity is under attack. I think this has a much bigger impact than any biasses we hold. The best we can do is to be willing to be wrong and to realize that there’s no such thing as winning an argument.

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    1. Agreed. And yes this did end up being longer than I thought it was going to be. lol

      Of course if an idea becomes part of our identity such that we defend it things to prevent our identity from being changed, that too is a bias isn’t it?

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  4. I have to agree with the heart and soul of this post. Very well done. I didn’t mind the length 🙂
    Don’t really have a lot to do atm anyway…

    I feel perhaps THE most important thing one can learn is: “you are going to be wrong occaisionally.” Some more occaisionally than others. You have to accept this reality, learn how to deal with it, humble thyself, and move along. I really do not mind being wrong sometimes, I take being wrong as a learning opportunity. Being wrong makes me want to discover the how and why I was wrong. Being wrong is the basis for learning what is right dammit. Practically the definition of science.

    Now getting someone else, who doesn’t quite know how to deal with being wrong, convinced that they could perhaps be in err, that’s the hard part. Most of the time people like this are so dug in they have no way to even contemplate the possibility. They will go through all kinds of gyrations to avoid admission of an error. Then devolve into classic tactics of attack…red herrings, moving the goal posts, ad homs, wild rationalizations, you know the drill. The troll. These people are clinical IMO.

    Which brings us to walking away. There is no help for the troll. None we can offer. Every single error corrected is met with an equally or increasingly insane ploy, but never will the light of recognition go off for them. I just went through a troll encounter a couple of days ago. I walked away fairly soon in the encounter, but not soon enough. Early recognition is key I suppose, I hadn’t a lot of time at this particualr blog, and did not understand what I was getting into.

    Which brings me to “but I just have to reply to the stupid, cannot let it stand” I think we all hit this point sooner or later. Try as I might I still succumb to this one at times. Despite knowing better.

    As to how to reach people in a way that might change their minds. I would say state the facts, let the chips fall where they may. Some people will be curious enough to investigate futher, and perhaps learn a thing or two. Others will shut down the second they see they might be holding onto an inconsistency, then there are the trolls that do troll stuff. No changing this, there is no polite way of enlightenment. Except instead of using a sledgehammer, try a tool box hammer instead. Chip away slowly, but deliberately. It will either work, or it won’t.

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    1. Thank you for comments.:) I agree with what you’ve said. I think the trolls are a big function of the anonymity of the internet. Not that they’d be anymore changeable in person, but the comments they make…well I doubt they’d every have the guts to say them face to face. Maybe also there is value in exposing those people, exposing their comments to others. Perhaps some benefit by seeing raw ignorance so that they know they should at least be looking for a deeper meaning. I am sure you’ve had meaningful conversations with people you’ve disagreed with, as have I. Disagreement can be very constructive and so I guess I’d like to learn how to better engage people in meaningful conversation. While it does seem certain people are capable of it, maybe it does take a lighter approach to get someone talking. 🙂

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  6. Swarn, this was such an excellent post and you are a superb writer. I really resonated with this post. OK — you should know that I am not a very happy camper right now. I just lost a rather lengthy comment hee highlighting some of the things you said. Well, dumb me decides to close out a few windows that I had open where I had gather some information from other sources, and wouldn’t you know it — I closed out your blog and there went my comment, lost in cyber space. I had finished the comment and was just editing for errors, but got distracted because my system was running slow due to too many open windows. Waaaa. My brain is too fried right now to rewrite it, lol. Maybe I’ll try to comment again tomorrow. It’s been a long, busy day. 😉

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    1. Thank you so much Victoria for the compliment! I did feel this was one of my better blog posts, but getting a compliment on my writing from someone who I think is a great writer feels good! I mean heck you even edit your comments! And in regards to that, I am so sorry! I have had that happen to me far too often. You’d think I’d learn that after a certain length I should cut and paste. Now if I know I’m going to have a longer response I type it out in word and paste it. That being said, there are times when I don’t know how long it’s going to be and just write away and then cry later when it all disappears! It’s never quite the same the second time around…probably because one is in a worse mood!

      So I am torn about encouraging you to write it again as I know I would enjoy your thoughtful response, but we all have limits in time and energy so if you decide not to, I’ll just tell you now that I appreciate your effort and that I will feel the emotional reaction anyway even if I don’t see all that you typed up. 🙂

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