Life, the Universe, and Everything

On February 16, 2016August 3, 2016 By Swarn GillIn Humor, Love, Musings, Philosophy, Stories15 Comments

“And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a girl sitting on her own in a small café in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything.”

― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

It is today my 42^nd birthday and I decided this would be a good year to reflect. Why 42, why not 40 like any other normal person with a penchant for round numbers? According Douglas Adams’ Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series a supercomputer was asked to come up with the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything and 42 was that answer. So I am at the age which is the answer, but of course if you read the series you know that while the answer was determined a more powerful supercomputer had to be created to determine the question (which turned out to be the planet Earth). So 42 seems like a great age to think about answers and questions.

This is also the year that I often joked would be when I started my own cult. This was supposed to be easy as I was going to have a good portion of Twitter followers, find myself a good compound with fertile soil and enjoy the good life. Extra wives would have been optional. It’s weird how as I get older there seems to be more of a drive to keep life simple and surround yourself by like minded people. Anyway, Twitter really doesn’t suit me, for as you can see, I don’t say many things in 140 words or less so my followers are few, and I think life is better that way, and also I’m not a very proficient gardener, so I’m probably better off living close to the farmer’s market. So here I am, nobody famous and nobody to follow, and a mini essay of reflection is probably more suited to greater personalities, but hey, it’s the age of information and I have a blog, so why not write? 🙂

Life

I think what makes being a teenager so difficult is that this is the time in your life when you start to self-actualize a lot more and really think about the future. It’s a terrible thing really, because you are also still young enough where you really don’t know shit. I remember thinking a lot about the type of person I wanted to be. My dad was (and still is) an alcoholic and as a teenager I knew that I didn’t want to be like my dad. Kids respond to those who are consistently there for them, and my mom was that person. Of course I’ve come to realize many positives about my dad as well, but as a kid I knew that whatever way my dad was, wasn’t working. My mom was loving, supporting, nurturing, and always there. At the time I never really looked at my mom and dad’s personalities as related gender, but more as what are the behaviors that lead to increased happiness and that bring increased happiness to others. I am sure it did in many ways shape why I’ve always felt more free to be myself more in front of women than men, and why I look beyond arbitrary categorizations of people and simply try to stick to values that bring happiness.

I also remember thinking that I was not the person I wanted to be. I felt like I was this amazing person who was trapped inside myself. Inside a shell that I needed to break out of. I know now that there is a certain element of being a child of an alcoholic that makes us more fearful of self-expression because of how we internalize our parents’ addiction, but I think teenagers can simply be apprehensive about inserting themselves in the world no matter how much they want to. I know I am a person who leans toward safety over risk, and that was one of the things I wanted to get better at as I got older which was to be bold. It’s still the quality I struggle with the most, but I’m proud to say that the vision I had for myself at around the age of 16 isn’t far off the mark. The compliment that I have received several times and means the most to me is when people tell me that they can tell immediately the type of person that I am because I am so open and. It is the part I like about myself the most especially because I think life is too short to pretend with people. I am proud that I have reached a point in life where I am comfortable in my own skin, and it is something that has always seemed like a necessary way to be, but I in no way want to imply that I have go there solely on my own.

Another thing I worried about when I was young was that I wasn’t original. I felt like everything I was, was copied from somebody else. I didn’t have any original ideas, I wasn’t creative. As I was thinking about what to write in this post yesterday I was wondering if I should say that the meaning of life is “theft”. We are born as absolutely blanks and while genetics may texture our canvas to a certain respect we are painted on by the many people we come to know in life, our culture and society also paints broad brushes over us too. Of course theft isn’t really the right word. People and society paint things upon us and we have little say in that. And in most other cases it is people who in my life who have given, and I have taken, and I would like to believe that with time I have been better about showing my gratitude. It would not be until a certain Star Trek: The Next Generation Episode that I felt better about my lack of originality. Here Captain Picard comments on the emotionless android Data’s violin playing.

PICARD: The good doctor was kind enough to provide me with a recording of your concert. Your performance shows feeling.
DATA: As I have recently reminded others, sir, I have no feeling.
PICARD: It’s hard to believe. Your playing is quite beautiful.
DATA: Strictly speaking, sir, it is not my playing. It is a precise imitation of the techniques of Jascha Heifetz and Trenka Bronken.
PICARD: Is there nothing of Data in what I’m hearing? You see, you chose the violinists. Heifetz and Bronken have radically different styles, different techniques, yet you combined them successfully.
DATA: I suppose I have learned to be creative, sir, when necessary.
PICARD: Mister Data, I look forward to your next concert.

So yes, I now feel original, thanks to lines written by somebody else. Star Trek has actually taught me quite a bit now that I think about it. 🙂 Life is also full of irony and paradoxes enough to make you scratch your head for a lifetime. In the end though, isn’t this what we really are…a product of others, both biologically and environmentally with a unique level of proportions such that we are originals? What I really mean to say about all this is that I feel really grateful to all those who have given and for what I have taken. I have taken the best of you to the very heart of me and a result carry you everywhere. Some I’ve not seen or talked to in some time, some it may have only been a brief time in which we knew each other, or perhaps were not even very close friends, but I saw what was good in you, I smiled at it, and celebrated it and let it course through my arteries. I am thankful for all the love, the friendship, the inspiration, the memories, the lessons taught, and yes even the criticism and in some cases hurt. I am unique and original because of all of you and there is no other way I’d rather be.

The Universe

Growing older also means growing more aware as you continue to experience and learn in life. As someone who is strongly committed to learning as awareness grows so does the burden of that knowledge. It is only in the most recent years that I have truly understood the expression ignorance is bliss. However, it is also important to remember that your own bliss is of little value to anybody else but yourself, and we are a social species. As I’ve learned I continued to have more awe for this amazing universe we live in, uncovering the darkness that shrouds knowledge also means discovering the horrors, the malice, the pain, and the suffering. It is all the worse when you are one of the lucky ones to have things far better than so many. It makes you question the very right to feel happy. And when it comes down to it, it makes me feel bad just complain about how heavy the thoughts are sometimes, because I am so fortunate to just have to think about it and not actually experience the hardships so many bear. I am fortunate that I can put those thoughts to the side at times. However, I also know there is no denying it either. And I know that just feeling sad and depressed all the time would be debilitating so there is nothing for it but to do something about it. I am not helpless under this weight although sometimes it can feel that way. So I try, and I let myself feel happiness for all the beauty that exists as well. There is much to fight against in this world, but I feel if we forget what we’re fighting for, it’s easy to get lost in the darkness.

I believe that it is this mixture of awe-inspiring beauty and soul-draining horror that drives us. I think we can’t help but feel small in the face of it. Some try to conquer it by building belief systems that explain it all, some try to chip away at the answer slowly through careful investigation, and some just turn to vices to distract themselves and to numb themselves. However, from what I’ve seen, the true winners in this world are always the ones who accept how small they are in the face of it all. It’s bigger than any one individual and it’s the one thing we all have in common. It is enough to make you just sit there and think “Why can’t we just all get along? It really does seem so simple to just be nice to each other. Nobody has to get nailed to anything.

As I look forward the things on the horizon are amazing. Just as there are things in my young life I never thought possible but exist now, I know there are many unknown wonders that await me for the rest of my life. I like being this age and knowing all the things that I know. Wisdom comes to you without even knowing it, and I like it. I admit that I am not a big fan of leaving this existence. I see us getting closer to things like unlocking the mysteries of aging, replacing organs, interfacing the computer to the brain and I wonder if in the not too distant future we might have a choice to live far longer than we do to do. I am jealous quite frankly. As someone who embraces change and has seen how changes occur over time spans far greater than our human lives I would like to experience it. I want to choose when I want to leave this existence and have a shot at deepening that well of wisdom beyond this short time on Earth. When I think of all the change that has occurred over 1000 years, 10,000 years and so on…I wonder what it would be like to see it…what perspective that would give you…how you would look at the universe differently. I suppose such a chance will not happen, but I keep the dream alive only because it is at times helpful to remember that we are not only small in terms of the vastness of space, but also the vastness of time. I can’t be expected to figure it all out, and that’s okay.

And Everything

There isn’t much more to say here. Of course there is more to life I suppose, but it’s amazing how important some people become so that even the other things seem to tendril out from it. I know that there are no guarantees in life, but that’s why living in the moment is so important. I am lucky that I have a life where I can take care of them just as much as they take care of me. The fact that our love can put some things at the center of our life, at the center of our universe, is amazing What more could I want? I do have everything.

To Dhyan: Year 2

On December 26, 2015March 28, 2019 By Swarn GillIn Love, Parenting6 Comments

Dear Dhyan,

As I sat down to write this letter I’ll admit it was harder to really think about where last year left off and a new one began. From the day you were born to your first birthday was literally a lifetime ago, and yet this second year feels more like a lifetime ago. You are no longer a baby, you are little boy. In my letter to you last year much of what I was feeling was based on a profound change of you not even existing to a sudden filling of my heart and my life. As I look back on this past year the changes in what you mean to me seem equally profound, and it surprises me that love can grow so much.

If your first year was the story of achievements in basic motor skills, your second year of life is about achievements in social skills and the development of more complex thought patterns. Not to say that your physical achievements still aren’t plentiful. I have especially loved the development of facial expressions and hand gestures. Our favorite by far is when you developed the hand gesture for “I don’t know” by throwing your hands up above your shoulders and saying “uhh?” In this year you have also mastered stairs, started running, climbed a little plastic rock wall at the playground, and danced like a maniac.

Your mother is documenting many of your achievements, but I thought I would reiterate to you for future shame, that your first word was not mommy or daddy, but kitty. A word you said often for about a month and then almost never uttered again as you began referring to all animals by the sound that they make. I would also like to throw in there for purposes of future praise and absolute pride that you started saying “daddy” several months before you started saying “mama”. As this year ends you aren’t speaking as much as I expected but your comprehension in two languages is amazing, and you are picking up words almost daily. I expect that for my next letter I will be recounting many conversations. I am not disappointed that you aren’t saying more already, but rather just anxious to talk with you, and hear what you have to say. It’s going to be an exciting coming year.

Another thing I love about this year is the growth of your imagination. You have started interacting with your stuffed animals and feeding them or having your Duplo animals kiss. You clearly have started creating scenarios for their actions, and while I don’t understand these scenarios in the slightest, clearly you do and that’s all that matters.

It excites and worries me how much more clever you are becoming. It’s something I am sure every child starts to do, when they try to deceive their parents. Recently you tried to fake sleep thinking I would walk away so you could leave your room. Of course I was waiting right outside your door and as you peaked out you saw me standing there and gave a little devious smile and went back to bed. I’m here to tell you that your fake sleeping is absolutely adorable, and also completely obvious. The fact that you don’t get how obvious it is, makes it even more adorable. I am sure we will be pitting wits against each other for a good portion of your life under our roof, and I just want you to know, challenge accepted. And truthfully, I’m actually really proud of you for beginning the game already. It shows you have courage, and I know you will only get cleverer for making the effort.

There are a number of things that really stick out for me this year. One is your enjoyment in music, and especially percussion. I don’t know if that will last a life time, but I have been impressed how you have liked to experience different sounds using chopsticks as drumsticks and beating different size drums, different sized bowls and pots, and just other objects that provide a unique sound when struck. The musical moment that I will never forget though happened in Poland. Out on the street there were two girls playing a flute and violin and you were enthralled. You danced while they played, and you clapped when they finished. I think being lost in music is one of the more beautiful sights in this world and it gave me so much joy to see music touch you in that way. It is those kinds of gifts that I hope to be able to provide you with more than anything. Whether you ever play an instrument or not is not as important to me as music being an important part of your life as it is mine. Through music there are stories, images, emotions, depth of thought, and fun to be had.

There are so many things that I love about you this year that I am just going to list some of my favorites:

I love the fact that you want your “owies” kissed by one of us, or if needed by yourself. I’ve never seen a kid kiss themselves better. I also love that you want to kiss our “owies” better too.
I love how silly you are. When you do something that entertains us, you really ham it up.
I love that you don’t just walk, you walk a little more silly. Not that you can’t walk normally, you just like to bop around and walk.
I love that you try to clean up your messes (even if I don’t like you making misses) and that you throw things in the trash.
I love that you try so hard to be grown up already which just seems extra adorable since you are so young, and often even though it often ends in disaster I think it’s awesome that you try.
I love all your quirks, like there is a specific spot in the house where we can only peel oranges, or specific ways we have to use or play things, like when I’m not holding the drumstick to play the drums properly, or not sitting in the right spot while you play.
I love hearing you say daddy.

The thing that I love most, is how you understand love in a much more tangible way, which is to say you are starting to understand love as much as any of us do. I was struck once again with that unique feeling of happiness and sorrow this year when we were leaving Poland. Your family was waving goodbye to you in the balcony above the waiting area and you were smiling. It was clear you bonded with your family during our stay in Poland and as I watched you smile it struck me that you were at the beginning of understanding this powerful feeling called love, and then I started to cry, because I knew you were also saying goodbye, and so you would also begin to understand missing, longing, and loss. Such emotions will be very painful to you at times, but I just want you know that these emotions are just a reaction, and the harder the hit you, the more love you had, and that is always something to be grateful for.

As far as who I am now because of you, I would have to say it’s hard to tell how I’ve changed. I certainly worry more. I’ve been feeling the weight of the world more this year, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of that increased weight is because I want you to have as many opportunities as I had, and I worry sometimes that won’t be the case. I know though, that to give you the best possible chance at a good life is to make you strong, and that means conquering my own fears and worries. Because you are watching, and if I can’t do it, how will you learn? Just like missing, longing, and loss, will always find you, so will worries and fears, but they too are a reaction when you feel you have something very beautiful in your life to lose. I promise you to always explore the positive with you first, and when pain finds you as it does us all, then we will explore that too. As I wrote last year, that is hard to not let fear overtake you some times, when you love somebody so much, but the one thing I do know is that when you let fear win, you never truly get to enjoy love. And it is central to my philosophy that love is always to be enjoyed.

People say that the time goes by so quickly with your children, and there is truth to that. But there are also ways to slow it down. Writing this letter has helped me reflect and get lost in this past year with you. You haven’t become who you are in an instant, but through many small incremental changes, and it has just been a pleasure to be at your side through it all. It is your birthday tomorrow, and while there is a part of me that would love for you to stay this age longer, I know that’s not possible and I’m just going to do my best to enjoy each day and each new change it brings.

Love,

Your Father

Who’s Better, Who’s Best

On December 15, 2015January 5, 2017 By Swarn GillIn Love, Parenting, Psychology10 Comments

And so it begins. The dark side of parenting comes out and I was taken aback at my reaction. A friend of mine shared with me a beautiful audio recording of her daughter reciting the alphabet. It was the cutest thing ever and I enjoyed. Her daughter is 3 months older and then I started to think to myself, my son is hardly saying any words. I mean kids change fast, but he only has 3 months before he should be saying his ABC’s as well. What if he doesn’t? Am I bad parent? Is my kid not going to be very smart?

And it’s happened other times as well. When he shows interest in a particular thing, my mind starts to race. He likes playing drums, he’s not even 2, what if he’s going to be this amazing drummer? How awesome would that be? Hey there is this kid on YouTube the same age as my son playing the drums and he is much better than my son. Crap my son isn’t special!

So I confess my mind has gone to such places, but before you start to lecture me I just want you to know that my anxiety passed as quickly as it came, but it makes you think why one would have such a reaction? Of course it’s a common stereotype, that parent living out their dreams through their child. Or perhaps just as common, are the parents using their kid as a pawn to compete with other parents to show each other up to determine who is the better parent, because they have the better kid? So I had to seriously contemplate whether I was this type of parent. Where were these feelings of anxiety and competitiveness coming from? Why is it important to me that my son be extraordinary in some way?

So dismissing the idea that I might be a crazy person I thought about this sort of biological reaction I had when my son was born, for him to grow and get stronger. While it is important to enjoy the moment, I think it’s natural for a parent to want to see this growth in their child. Self-reliance is ultimately our goal, even if at the same time it sucks so bad when they don’t need us anymore. There are a lot of people in this world and so it seems also reasonable that we would have this drive for our children to be extraordinary at some particular thing or to have a natural talent that drives them in a particular direction. It can be the easy ticket to self-reliance. Rich or poor when they have some inherent gift to fall back on, it’s a feeling of security as a parent. You may have heard the stereotype before that all Indian parents want their kids to become doctors. A well deserved stereotype actually. My uncle was one of those parents who wanted their children to become doctors. The reason he gave for this was that doctors are never unemployed, they are always needed and thus his children are always assured in an income. Being originally from India where there was no social safety net, where poverty was and still is fairly high, I can understand such a philosophy. They were however well off and my cousins very well educated, they would be successful in anything they chose. But as I see the places my own mind goes I understand the obsessive Indian parent constantly pushing their children towards medical school. I of course never would force my own child into anything in particular, because in the end I can’t ignore the fact that my child is an autonomous being who needs to be free to make decisions for his self.

In the end, the right answer just seems to be to just remember to love, to encourage, and to teach them to learn well, wherever their interests lie. Teach them the value of determination, teach them the value of caring about what you are doing and taking pride in your own work. Whether my son is extraordinary or not, he will always be extraordinary to me and that’s a gift in of itself. I think it’s the hardest thing to know as a parent. How do you make your child self-reliant? There are so many avenues to that destination it’s easy to get lost. Perhaps the best I can do is to trust in myself and my own self-reliance to do well in the moment and stop trying to worry and predict the future.

A Little Red Wagon

On September 23, 2015 By Swarn GillIn Love, Musings, Parenting10 Comments

I’m trying hard to have the occasional short post for people who are tired of my long posts, so this seemed like a good one. 🙂 A friend of ours had no use anymore for a Roadmaster red wagon that their grandchildren had outgrown and gave it to us. My son took right away to sitting in the wagon and has opted to be pulled around in the wagon instead of being pushed in the stroller. I have taken him a few times now on a two mile route around my neighborhood in which one leg of the journey goes down one of the main roads in town and I have to say it’s a special experience.

It’s interesting how the red wagon seems to evoke emotion in the faces of others. For most it brings smiles and a sense of nostalgia. Today one gentleman was outside his home and on his phone and he called out to me and told me to stop and wanted to take a picture and he exclaimed to the person he was talking to “You’ll never believe it, but there is a guy pulling his kid around on a red flyer!”. And he did take a picture of me and my son. 🙂 The reaction is much stronger than pushing him around on the stroller. A lot of people point, or wave to him (he sort of just stares blankly unsure of why he has become so popular). Maybe it’s because it is a classic wagon that the nostalgia is stronger. Maybe the reaction would not be the same if it was some other color or some other brand. Some people seem to feel a little sad though. Nostalgia tends to do that as sometimes I see faces with a little bit of longing, perhaps for the past long since gone. And sometimes I swear I see a deeper sadness, perhaps wishing that their mother or father would have taken them on wagon rides, or the remembrance of a parent that has passed on.

It’s nevertheless comforting to me that such simple things can evoke such emotion. That small things can feel so grand. I enjoy the feeling of taking him for a walk on a warm autumn day. And for a short time that little wagon becomes a grand chariot to my son and to all around him, and even though I’m the one pulling it, I feel as rich as any king.

Let’s Pause Here

On September 5, 2015 By Swarn GillIn Love, Musings, Philosophy11 Comments

I would describe myself as someone who embraces change, even when it sometimes isn’t easy. To me, change is the one true constant in the universe. My son is 20 months old and there are times, where I would swear that I could live at this time forever, because he is so sweet, and so pure. I think in an instant it makes us remember a time when things were simple, and completely joyful in their simplicity. So when I look at my son, I know that is what he is thinking and feeling right now. Sticking a straw out of my mouth is amazing, that picture of an elephant is amazing, this rice is amazing. Life is amazing. They don’t even know enough to appreciate it and the best part is that you get to appreciate it for them. And that is a beautiful feeling. The idea that such innocence and purity could last forever is a fantasy, but an extremely good one to hold on to. Because if you can just add just a little bit of that into the world, happiness can only grow.

The Right Way To Answer

On April 4, 2015 By Swarn GillIn Commentary, Education, Love, Philosophy, Politics, Pop Culture9 Comments

Instead of just getting upset and complaining I have decided to be proactive. I recently posted about the Indiana business owners who openly admitted to not wanting to serve gay people and received $500,000 dollars in donations. While such support for hateful attitudes upsets me, I have decided the best way to answer this was to try and match that by raising money in an equal amount and support a local organization in Indiana who is trying to make things better for the LGBQT community. So I started a charity fundraiser page. While a goal of $500,000 may be ambitious, and perhaps other people had the same idea, even if I raise only the money I have donated to start things off, then at least I am doing something positive I figure.

So I’m asking that you please give what you can and share this message on social media, blog sites, personal webpages, and/or e-mail. If finances won’t allow for a donation at this time, I hope you can still pass this post along and ask your friends to donate if they can. Thank you all for loving! Below is the link for donating:

https://www.justgive.org/matchinghatewithlove

To Dhyan: Year 1

On December 26, 2014March 28, 2019 By Swarn GillIn Love, Parenting2 Comments

Dear Dhyan,

I write this letter to you because I know that time changes our memories and feelings about events, and I wanted you to know what I was feeling in the first year of your life. I also wanted to let you know who I am now, and maybe what I’ve become as a result of you being in my life.

I will begin with the day you were born. We were at the hospital already. One of many trips we had taken in the last couple weeks as your mother’s blood was racing in excitement for you being born. Well that’s a nicer way of saying she had abnormally high blood pressure and we need to check her health and yours. We knew that day, which was 3 weeks before your due date, there was a possibility they would want to take you out to make sure she was safe, and that is exactly what ended up happening. I’ll proudly admit that I was rather calm. Perhaps because I had to do none of the hard work, but I also have a lot of faith in statistics. Problems with deliveries in our part of the world are rare, and we were at one of the best hospitals in the area with excellent doctors and nurses. I just knew everything was going to be alright, and I just wanted to make sure that your mother and you were fine and be calm and as in control for her as I could be. Since all the hard work was your mothers, my panicking would have served little purpose anyways. As they induced labor on your mother she got contractions quickly, and they started to impact your heart rate and so they decided that a cesarean section was necessary. They wheeled your mother away and got me suited up so that I was sanitary and when they let me into the operating room they told me to not touch anything covered in blue. The whole room seemed to be covered in blue and it was frightening obstacle course to get to the small stool next to your mother. I held her hand and she smiled at me. There was a large curtain separating the bottom half of your mother from our eyes so I couldn’t tell what they were doing. Apparently they were making a big slice into your mother and taking you out. The nurse handed you to me, all swaddled in apparently the same towel design they use in every hospital in the United States. You were born at 9:59 pm on Dec. 27th, 2014 at 5 pounds 5 ounces, 19 inches long. You were so light and I looked at you and said to myself “So that’s it then?” But your mom was tearing and she was too drugged up to really hold you. You were so light and I brought your face close to hers and she smiled and cried at how beautiful you were. I think it was a different experience for her. She carried you around for almost 9 months and could feel her body change and feel you grow. I would say at first I was more like a curious scientist, observing the whole process. It did not feel like you were my son yet. I hope that this doesn’t make you sad if you read this someday. I was emotional because your mom was, but I have to say I didn’t feel like a father yet.

For the rest of that evening I continued to play the scientist as I watched them put you in a little warmer since you were so tiny, and found it humorous that you were under a heat lamp like a burger at a restaurant. My feeling of being a father wouldn’t come until the next day when you didn’t have to be in the warmer anymore and we had be moved to our post delivery room and you were being fussy and unhappy and I picked you up and you quieted right down and became peaceful in my arms. It was at that moment that my eyes begin to water. I felt like you knew you were safe. And I felt like you knew you were with your daddy and I knew you were my son. And I knew that once someone feels safe with you, that you must be responsible so that they always feel that way. I began to feel this surge within me out of nowhere, wanting you to be healthy and strong, wanting to make sure that I safely guided you to be someone that could handle this world that can be both terrifying and wondrous at the same time. My head began to fill with dreams of what you would look like walking and talking, and questions you might ask, advice that I would give you, nursing tears and sharing joys. That’s when you know you are in love, and that’s when I knew I was in love with you.

But time teaches you patience. Perhaps that’s one advantage of having a 40 year old father. As I process this past year I think about all the amazing moments I’ve been able to see. These moments are small in comparison to what any human is capable of, but they remind me that in the process of growth even the most insignificant things can be great triumph because they happen along the way of great journeys. And you have a great journey ahead of you. I remember your first smile, the first time you opened your hands, your eyes following an object around the room for the first time, your first steps, your first crawl. However, if I were to pick a favorite moment, when I think of your first year, is the first time you made vocalizations. It happened one evening in between the age of 2 and 3 months. It was like for the first time you wanted to greet the world. It’s like you suddenly realized that you were no longer an extension of your mother, but you realized you were a separate individual entity and you wanted to announce your presence. Or perhaps it was that for the first time you realized that the world wasn’t just happening to you, you could happen to the world and you were just glad to be alive. You made the cutest gurgling noises, and were smiling and waving your little arms about. Your mother and I laid at your side on the bed and we just watched you. It was the most entertaining and amazing thing I’ve ever seen and your mother and I were incurably happy next to you. We would look at each other and just knew that as tiring as this might be some times it was also going to be incredibly rewarding and full of joy. We knew what family meant, and we felt an incredible amount of love for you and each other.

Tomorrow you will be a year old. You are now eagerly walking around and getting into all sorts of trouble. You are curious and exploring and it reminds me how important the process of movement is to discovery. In human history, the building of boats, cars, rockets, they all have allowed us to discover and learn more. Now that you can move the rate in which you will discover grows exponentially and I find myself continually blown away at how quickly your strength, dexterity, and intelligence grows. As I look back on the day I first fell in love with you I realize that my love was a beautiful house that is empty on the inside, and each day you fill that house with amazing memories. That love is now a home, and we are happy there, and excited for all the new memories that will fill that home. Sometimes I get really scared that something might happen to you, and that being in that home alone without you, with only those memories to look at, would be the saddest thing imaginable. But I would not dishonor your joy by getting lost in those fears. I keep in the back to keep you as safe as possible without taking away from your desire for self-determination and knowing that ultimately what we learn from risk and failure is as important as any other way there is to learn.

My heart is full of love and excitement because as your development continues I can show my love for you in so many new ways and I am anxious for you to experience it. I am also anxious to experience your love in new ways also. Though my appearance may change little, make no mistake that we are growing together. And as I sit here and write this I know one thing for certain. There are no words to express how much of a gift you truly are to my soul. It will take a lifetime together as father and son for those words to manifest and even then it will be in no language that can be spoken, but I guarantee that you will know it.

Love,

Your Father

Fleetwood Mac and why they are so great

On October 17, 2014October 17, 2014 By Swarn GillIn Commentary, Love, Pop Culture, Stories1 Comment

On October 14^th, 2014 I was fortunate enough to see Fleetwood Mac in concert. They were amazing and I would like to talk about how amazing they are. Or rather why I think they are amazing. I know some purists will say that Fleetwood Mac was a band before Lindsey and Stevie. I like that older stuff, some of it is pretty good. However, it is clear their popularity and musical ability greatly increased with the joining of Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks. On stage Christie McVie called them her musical family and as I listened I started to get a vision of that family. They are a family who stays together despite the fact that they are all very different people. Their strength lies in both the tensions in personality but also that musical family combination. It is perfection for a band and few bands can claim to have such a perfect combination of personalities and talent. I would like to speak to this perfection by talking about their musical personalities and why they fit so well together. I’ve even given these musical personalities a name they are as follows: The Aura, The Violet, The Craftsman, The Silence, and The House. Perhaps you can already guess which is which.

The Aura

Both leading ladies in the bands might be described as romantics, but in very different ways. For Stevie Nicks love and

magic go hand-in-hand. She is as mysterious as the moon and she is the feelings of romance that you can’t quite put into words. You will love her and not exactly know why. She dances, she moves, she floats, and she spins. She is the girl you want to get close to, but not necessarily the one you should bring home to mother. She lives in dreams and want you to live there with her. Who doesn’t love to dream? She is the theater, and who doesn’t love a good show? You recognize that loving her might also bring peril and yet you are still drawn in. This is why she is the aura of the band. She envelops you and you can get lost in her. She makes you dance to her tune, helpless, enraptured. Her voice is as hypnotic as her beauty. She might make you cry, make you break down, and shatter your illusions of love, but you’ll always think loving her is worth it. And it is.

The Violet

Beautiful like a flower and modest as a violet; this is Christie McVie. She is the sweet girl next door. Pretty, honest, with a heart of gold. She is the one that grows up into that mother that knows how to take care of everyone, both physically and emotionally. She’s never wild in public, and she doesn’t dance all that well, but when she does dance you know she’s happy and you can’t help but smile when you watch her. She is the girl you fall in love with and feel safe. When she sings you know, she knows the score. Her love is nurturing, solid and tangible. You want to be with her everywhere. You listen to her and sigh, and smile, each note on her keyboard vibrates your heart a little bit. Listening to her songs it is the same feeling you get when you taste sweet confection or a fresh baked cookie. She is the treat you deserve after a hard day and will always make you feel right with the world.

The Craftsman

Where Stevie draws you in, Lindsey goes out and grabs you. Where Stevie wants you to believe in magic, Lindsey tells

you that you need no other plane of existence than this one. He puts you in the here, and now and says “Listen…to…me”. His voice and guitar will make you pay attention. He is the hammer and chisel. He is the designer. He is a mastermind with background vocals, providing substance and melody to each song. Through his genius all members of the band, as amazing as they already are, are even better because of him. He constructs and he builds, then he sands it and varnishes it, and he works harder than everyone else, even though his genius might just qualify him to sit back and tell other people what to do. His musical brilliance comes from the deepest heart of him, and yet he has no trouble digging to that depth to reveal it all to the listener. You love to watch him, because you never know what he’s going to make, but you know you are going to like it in the end. He has an intensity that is unmistakable and his greatness towers over you. He is both humbling, but at the same time you know that his music makes you better than you are too.

The Silence

Who hears John McVie? Everyone does, they just don’t know it. When the others aren’t making noise, what is left? Silence. Like silence, John McVie is always there. He stands in the same spot on stage, playing his bass with a stolid dedication that makes him a fixture, a landmark, an unchanging stone that all can depend on. When there is anger and bitterness, he is playing his bass. When there is joy and celebration, he is playing his bass. When there is tenderness and sorrow, he is playing his bass. When things are unfamiliar, he stands there, playing his bass. He is that musician who will play as the Titanic goes down. In his bass are the silent things like honor, dignity, and respect. The silence provides solitude, peacefulness, and reflection. There at the beginning, he will be there until the end…silently playing his bass.

The House

But how would these 4 different, but amazing musical personalities ever choose to be in the same place if they didn’t

have a house to play in? This is Mick Fleetwood. He is the rhythm which brings them all together. While John is reliable like a rock, Mick is reliable like a faithful valet or butler. You might be dying on the inside, but he is going to make sure you look presentable and that the show must go on. He is that kind of servant where you are never quite sure if you’re in charge though, or whether he is. He is the soul of Fleetwood Mac. He is both the history and the one who has made history. He is also not afraid to play the buffoon, making everyone smile and laugh, breaking the tension when it’s high. When you walk into the house you immediately know that your stay will be a memorable one. Despite the genius of Lindsey, somewhere in the back of your mind you’ll wonder if Mick isn’t the real genius by finding a way for all these extremely talented musicians to stay in his house. After all, every musician knows that it’s the drums that set the pace that everyone must march to. And they all do it willingly because they know they are better together in that house than anywhere else. He is the reason you get to say, “I love Fleetwood Mac”.

Expectations

On August 29, 2014 By Swarn GillIn Love, Musings, Philosophy, Prose and Poetry2 Comments

First you waited, then I waited
I might be waiting a long time,
I hate long waits
But there is something worse
That’s having expectations
Expecting is like having fun,
Without even doing anything,
But what else can you expect with love?
Just be happy in the moment?
It sounds good on paper,
I’m not going to lie to you,
In fact I tried it and it’s true,
Love is so much better,
When you’re focusing on the moment,
You can really…get to know love that way,
In fact it’s so good you want it to stay,
And to never ever go away,
Somewhere deep inside though,
We know. Nothing. Is. Permanent.

But sticky problems have solutions,
Every good heist needs an inside man,
“Our designs are top notch,
You won’t find them anywhere else,
They almost seem made for you”
Says my fortune teller inside me,
Maybe that’s what psychics are,
People who enjoy building dreams so much,
That they want to do it for others,
The drama queen in all of us,
The irony of it all is,
I don’t believe in psychics,
The moment is all that matters,
If you care about the future,
But the right way is so hard,
And the wrong path has better scenery,
There are so many things to look at,
You won’t notice falling off the cliff,
Well at least until you land.

That’s not a good moment,
But then again…what else did you expect?

A Little Respect

On August 19, 2014August 21, 2014 By Swarn GillIn Love, Musings, Parenting, Philosophy, Psychology11 Comments

In a conversation with a good friend who was born and raised in India, we had one of those east vs. west discussions. I think it’s natural to always defend the values of where you were raised to a certain degree, for me I was raised in the west, but had an Indian father and thus spent time with many Indian friends and relatives as well as having been to India a couple times so I’d like to believe that I can look at both sides objectively and see the best and worst of both worlds.

This particular discussion was about family values. My friend argued about the lack of family values here in the west, specifically the lack of respect for one’s

parents. I think even a lot of parents here might support her claim. In India there is a lot more respect for parents and the elderly in general. Before evaluating whether or not such statements are even true, let’s perhaps breakdown some factors that might be important in the different attitudes of children in the west vs. east. (Note here in the east I will be focusing about India, but India does share similar values with other countries in Asia towards family and parenting, and for the west mostly U.S.A and Canada).

In the west we might attribute a lack of respect to the following:

Both parents working meaning less time to spend, discipline, and guide children
In the west there is a general rejection towards authority, government, and hierarchy
High divorce rate
Highly valuing individualism over collectivism
A tendency to be more mobile and not living very close to family
A long history of a strong economy allowing for greater financial independence at advanced ages

In the east we might attribute greater respect to the following

Relatively low divorce rate because of the emphasis towards arranged marriage, binding families and resources over an emphasis on romantic love
Like many nations that have had historically high poverty rates (although India is an economic powerhouse now) have created a system in which there was simply no plan for the elderly to be taken care of should they become unable to take care of themselves. Thus grown children are expected to take care of their parents financially when they can no longer work.
High population density and again the historically weaker economy means people are less likely to leave the area near where their parents live
Less job opportunities for women historically and thus allowing many women to remain at home giving more time for discipline and guidance. This also reduces the amount of retirement money that would come into a home when the parents are older

I am sure there are probably others, but honestly I feel like a weaker economy historically and a lack of social security and retirement plans for older people has created a system over time that required closer family unity.

But regardless of the reason let’s take a look at whether or not it is actually true whether or not there is an actual difference of respect. First of all I have never actually seen a study that proves this is true. Certainly there are many studies that talk about the differences in behavior culturally between young and old, or parents and their children. However none of those studies really measure respect. The dictionary defines respect as the following:

“A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements”

It seems to me the first error in this discussion is that maybe we aren’t talking about respect, but duty, or obligation. I guess it could be respect if say “abilities” involves the ability to parent a child, but that’s a bit of a stretch, given that even a weak ability in raising a child can get one to adulthood. So respect seems to be something different and it is not clear whether there is a difference between east and west. A soldier in the military can follow the orders of a superior out of duty, but still not respect that superior.

I have known numerous Indian children who were given little freedom in choosing what they wanted to be, who they can marry, how they want to marry, etc. Well I’m not saying they obeyed purely out of duty, because clearly there is love there as well, but I do know some children who resented their parents for taking advantage of that sense of duty and love to set them on a course in life that they did not want. It’s somewhat questionable to me how much respect there was. They often did what they were told even though they were unhappy about it. Parents in the east would do well to recognize that their kids are not simply extensions of themselves but individuals.

On the other hand, parenting is not really easy. It’s easy to doubt yourself and your actions. A lot of times you might just default to what your parents did to

you instead of really adopting a practice you are not comfortable with. Raising kids takes time, energy, and resources. Kids growing up in western culture would do well to remember that and appreciate more often the sacrifices and difficulties associated with raising them. However, does not listening to your parents indicate a lack of respect for them? If we value individuality as a nation, isn’t likely that your child is simply expressing that individuality. This can be hard when you see them making mistakes, especially the same ones we made. But isn’t that how we also learned some important lessons. Again, just because a kid chooses to ignore your advice and do their own thing, doesn’t mean there is a lack of respect, it just means they feel more compelled to exercise their own judgment right or wrong and see where it leads them.

Whether it’s duty or respect, I asked myself after the conversation with my friend, why did I have a child? Was it so I could raise somebody who would listen

From http://www.childandfamilymentalhealth.com

to everything I had to say about what to do in the world? Was it so I could instantly have someone who respected me regardless of my flaws, weaknesses, and the way that I treated him/her? The answer of course is no, but what is absolutely wonderful about the parent – child relationship is that it begins with love. There is an implicit trust and affection built in, and so we only have to think how best to foster and grow that love from the simple biological relationship to the complex relationship that binds any two people together. As I watch my son grow I can already see his sense of self forming, and I know it will only get stronger with time. It seems that we always have to remember that respect runs both ways with our children and I hope I have the wisdom to know when to let him express his individuality even if it runs against my better judgment and my need to remain his protector. Being able to let go is also a quality worthy of respect and it seems to make some sense that as children grow the qualities that they admire in you and others change. I hope that I will be able to grow along with him and adapt to his changing needs and desires while remaining an ever present part of his life.

While there are differences between east vs. west parent – child relationship I don’t think any one of those is a better way of doing things. Respect is always earned and I think it is best earned when a parent demonstrate an ability to understand what their children are going through and by constantly being there for their child. I think this is what builds a lasting respect between parent and child.

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Cloak Unfurled

Category: Love